For many LGBTQ+ people, starting to think about family-building can feel both exciting and overwhelming. There’s often a sense of real possibility paired with big questions about where to start, what’s realistic, and which information can be trusted.
After years of working with hopeful LGBTQ+ parents and hearing these same questions come up again and again, it’s clear that what many people need first isn’t pressure to decide, but rather space to understand.
There’s no single right way to become a parent, no one path is better than any other, and there’s no universal timeline for figuring it out. What can be especially helpful early on is a clear, practical understanding of how different family-building paths work in real life, not just in theory.
What follows is a grounded introduction to the two primary paths to family-building for most LGBTQ+ people today: biological family-building and adoption.
Adoption
Adoption refers to building a family by welcoming either a baby or a child who is not biologically related to you. Many people feel especially called to adoption because of personal experience, familiarity with adoption, or deeply held values around providing permanency and family connection.
It’s important to understand that adoption in the U.S. is centered around birth families, particularly in its early stages. In domestic infant adoption, expectant or biological parents play a central role in decision-making during pregnancy and before legal finalization, and many adoptions involve some level of ongoing openness. In foster care and adoption from foster care, birth families and the child welfare system are deeply involved, with reunification typically the first goal before adoption becomes an option.
The 3 Adoption Paths
Domestic infant adoption is often a wonderful path for those hoping to start their parenting journey by caring for a newborn or young baby. In some cases, adoptive parents may be involved during pregnancy or at birth, while in others, a child may be placed for adoption soon after birth.
Adoption from foster care involves caring for children of varying ages, from infants to teens, who have entered the child welfare system through no fault of their own. This path focuses on providing children with safety, stability, and permanency when reunification with their family of origin is no longer possible. It often calls for patience, flexibility, and a trauma-informed approach to parenting.
International adoption typically involves toddlers through school-aged children who are living in institutional care and are unlikely to be reunified or adopted domestically. For many of these children, international adoption represents one of the final opportunities to experience long-term stability, permanency, and family connection. Sadly, few countries allow adoption by out gay and lesbian parents from abroad, but several do, including Colombia, South Africa, and certain regions of Mexico.
While all adoption journeys involve a preparation phase that includes a home study, background checks, required paperwork, and training, the total costs depend on the adoption path you choose:
- Domestic infant adoption typically ranges from $40,000–$60,000.
- International adoption often falls within a similar range, with additional costs related to travel, time spent living in the country, and local legal requirements.
- Adoption from foster care usually has minimal direct costs, with most expenses related to preparing your home to welcome a child. Depending on the state, some legal or administrative fees may be paid out of pocket and reimbursable.
Biological family-building
For LGBTQ+ people, biological family-building refers to paths that involve pregnancy and/or a genetic connection to a child, including:
- Home insemination: Allows LGBTQ+ folks to conceive in a comfortable, private and cost-effective environment.
- Intrauterine insemination (IUI): Sperm is inserted directly into the uterus during ovulation.
- In vitro fertilization (IVF): An embryo is created in the lab using your egg fertilized by donor sperm and then transferred back into your uterus. For those using a surrogate, your donor egg is fertilized with your sperm and then transferred into the uterus of your surrogate.
- Reciprocal IVF: Popular among queer couples as one partner provides the egg and the other carries the pregnancy.
- Fertility preservation: Transgender and nonbinary people may be able to freeze eggs or sperm before transitioning. Depending on individual circumstances, IUI, IVF, or surrogacy may be possible.
Biological family-building may appeal to people who want involvement in pregnancy and early caregiving, value a genetic connection, and feel comfortable navigating varying degrees of medical or non-medical involvement — from clinical fertility care to at-home or midwife-supported insemination. For some, these paths feel more predictable, as intended parents are generally at the center of planning and decision-making throughout the process.
Biological family-building often involves working with one or more third parties – such as a sperm donor, egg donor, and/or gestational surrogate – as well as coordinating a broader team of family-building partners that may include a midwife, fertility clinic, egg matching service, surrogacy agency, reproductive attorney, therapist, and escrow and insurance providers.
For gay men, surrogacy with IVF can range from $150,000-$240,000, or even more. For the rest of the LGBTQ+ community, costs vary significantly depending on the approach chosen. Geography, insurance coverage, and workplace benefits can also play a major role.
Key considerations
The following questions are intended to help you identify your priorities and values as you explore family-building options and consider your next steps. There are no right or wrong answers, and your responses may evolve over time.
- How important is it to you to be involved in pregnancy, birth, or early caregiving?
- Do you feel that a biological connection to your child or children is an important element of family?
- How much does being at the center of decision-making matter to you?
- How do cost differences across paths factor into your thinking?
- How do you feel about involving third parties or maintaining openness with birth families?
- If you plan to parent with one or more partners, how aligned do you feel about your priorities and expectations?
These aren’t the only questions to consider, but they can be a helpful place to start.
Gather, learn, reflect
Many LGBTQ+ people don’t move directly from learning to deciding. Instead, they take time to gather information, reflect on what feels right, and build confidence before making major commitments.
For those seeking structured, affirming education along the way, GWK Academy is a nonprofit organization created to support LGBTQ+ people along all family-building paths and possibilities. You’ll find inclusive educational resources like guided courses on adoption, foster care, surrogacy, and fertility; one-on-one coaching; community and mentorship; and access to a network of vetted, LGBTQ+-experienced family-building professionals.
Working to feel grounded in how the various paths work is often the most useful place to begin.
