Introduction
Editor’s note: We know the path to parenthood is filled with hope, resilience, and love. That’s why we’re honored to share Intending, a virtual memoir chronicling one couple’s surrogacy journey in their own words. Starting with today’s introduction, a new chapter will be released each week — an invitation to walk alongside them as their story of family unfolds.
When my husband Paolo and I kicked off our surrogacy research in 2017, we only knew one other couple who had done it, and we badgered those poor men at every stage of the process.
We, in turn, became that go-to resource for friends. And in general, in any social setting, we find ourselves fielding questions from people fascinated with the topic. As the jaded veteran, I smile when nearly everyone asks some variation of, “Hold on, you mean the egg donor isn’t the same as the carrier?” But I confess: I didn’t know that either at the start.
Around the same time in 2017, I watched the Nora Ephron documentary Everything Is Copy and thought, We’re in for some juicy copy. Over the next three years, I journaled about our two journeys, to use surrogacy speak, with the discipline of a second semester college senior. Which is to say: severe procrastination and the sense that nothing I turned in mattered. As in college, this produced some top-notch work among mounds of mediocrity. I’d like to think I’ve only included the former here. (If you disagree, blame Nora.)
I’ve called this a “guide to surrogacy” because I explain every step we took and share candid opinions along the way, but it’s more of a memoir than a how-to. Especially the first three chapters, since I thought you might appreciate some personal context beyond my author bio of “white guy who paid for babies.” If not, you can skip ahead to chapter four to bypass the coming-of-age stuff and get straight to the cumming-into-cups stuff. Just keep in mind that I’m not claiming to offer the best approach for a successful outcome. There are too many variables—many tied to luck—that make that impossible.
In the pages that follow, you’ll find descriptions, not prescriptions. Anecdotes, not tips, though if that line blurs in a helpful way, I’d be delighted.
I should also note that, with their permission, I used the real names of our surrogacy agency, egg donation agency, and IVF doctor.
Elsewhere, I changed names. Mostly because it felt cool, like there was a lot at stake.
When telling Paolo this, I offered to change his name as well.
“But you’re using your real name, right?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“So changing mine wouldn’t matter…”
“From a privacy perspective, no, but I thought you might want to try something new. Something less Italian like Bob. Or more Italian like Fabio.”
He didn’t.
But don’t worry, I named someone else Fabio.
